When the REAL Yoga Kicks In

Last November I had a single unexplained seizure, a grand mal seizure with loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions - just like what you picture from the movies. The experience and its aftermath provided me a big opportunity to practice the deeper, non-physical parts of yoga. 

That morning, I woke up nauseous with a migraine headache. This was not a rare occurrance but it was odd to experience one at that time of the month.

I had a weird sense of deja vu, a strong feeling that I'd taken medicine I'd recently been given for severe migraine nausea, but I was confused because I'd just risen from bed, so how could I have taken anything? I could picture myself taking the pill, I could feel that I did it, but I also knew it was impossible that I'd done so.  The temporal lobe of my brain was misfiring and unbeknownst to me, the seizure was starting. 

I had no recollection of the following. I entered the kitchen to make my kids' school lunches. I told my husband I felt awful and needed to lie down. He finished the lunches and took the kids to school. When he returned I appeared to be asleep on the couch but asked, "What's that horrible smell?" There was no smell, and the surge of electrical activity in my temporal lobe was sending false sensory signals. I cried out, he ran over, and I was unconscious and shaking. When he couldn't get a response he called 911. 

Waking up confused in an ambulance will go down as a surreal moment of my life:

"What's going on? Where am I?!" 
"You're in an ambulance on the way to the hospital."
"Why???"
"You had a seizure."
"I don't understand? I'm confused!"
"You had a seizure."
"What happened? What's going on???"
"You had a seizure."

I tried hard but couldn't answer the day of the week. I answered the year incorrectly. I teach about the nervous system and the brain, and part of me had awareness about my lack of ability to recall and found it interesting. That's all I remember.

At the hospital I freaked out about needing an MRI. I'm claustrophobic and they administered a relaxant that is useful for treating seizures, so along with the brain stuff I was pharmaceutically knocked out. 

My next memory was walking into my home. I hugged my children who had not witnessed anything. They were with a beloved nanny who had retrieved them from school. 

I got into bed and slept the majority of the next couple days. It takes a long time for the brain to reboot. I thank God for my husband and best friend, who came the next day to take care of me. She covered my scheduled classes and dealt with hospital records and scheduling a neurology appointment.

There is good during challenging times.

A couple days later I started feeling more like myself, though my memory remained challenged. I was unable to drive, couldn’t take baths, or bathe my children. I had to rely on others, which is not easy for an independent woman. It would be two weeks before I could see a neurologist, so I researched seizures online to try and understand what had happened. There were no precipitating factors. Some people have a single unexplained seizure and never have another. I had fear of another one.  

Stay present with discomfort.

This previously nebulous word “epilepsy” evoked unpleasant mental imagery. It felt like a slap when it solidified into my consciousness as now referring to me. Onset of epilepsy can occur at any age, a fact that came as a huge surprise to me.

This is when the real yoga kicks in.

There was a potential shift to my life, and I had a wide range of emotions.

Stay present and breathe during intensity, learn what you can without latching onto things you cannot yet know.

I was grateful to have been practicing the deeper dimensions of yoga for years. This is when they truly are powerful. 

I continued to research until I was in a rabbit hole, and the information I was getting was bad and no longer balanced. I slipped into a dark place of fear, and immediately stopped myself from reading. I was looking for answers I wasn't going to get. Only time would tell.

Where I place my attention is my choice, and it influences my perception and well-being. 

I always am grateful for experiences that help me more deeply understand others. The potential of my brain being "different" and the period of loss of my independence, helped me more tangibly understand a number of my students whose ability to move was taken away by accidents. I also feel a deeper kinship when I interact with people whom I know or observe to have conditions that affect the brain.

Ultimately, there isn't enough information after a single seizure to draw any conclusions, so I came to peace with that. If I have another it likely will be within three to six months.

I'm back to living my life and don't think about it much—even though it obliquely is part of my consciousness. Seizures generally present the same way, so I know it's not going to occur just walking down the street. On days I wake with a migraine I won't take the chance of getting into a vehicle and will look for help.

I hope this sheds light on seizures and epilepsy, and shares a hopeful perspective for people searching for information. Mostly, though, this is an ode to the deeper dimensions of yoga. It is a reminder to be present and enjoy what you have, and not latch onto fears about tomorrow because we have absolutely no idea what tomorrow may bring. We can only have faith and trust that the odds are in our favor. 

[Subsequently, I had a two additional episodes of seizures. Game changers. I'm done now with the grieving process and am at peace with the diagnosis and life changes I've had to make. My friends and students know, but I would like to make this public offering because I struggled to find positive online to support me. I still have periods where I feel challenged, mostly by the medication. But the more time passes it becomes part of my life, not a major part of my life.]